Fernweh

Fernweh: (noun, org. German) a crave for travel. Homesick for a place you've never been.

Right now, that place is France. I need to be in France. But since that isn't quite in the cards for me at the moment, here's what is:
A road trip with my friend Santi :) him and I are going somewhere Tuesday. Where? We won't know until Monday night. It's just going to be us and our cameras somewhere else where neither of us have been (hopefully). We will probably be taking the train and leaving just for the day, but we are so excited. I'm excited to travel with someone new. I'm excited to get out of this town even just for a day, it'll be a lovely breath of fresh air.

Also, I am so excited for a brand new year :)

You make me think

Sylvia Plath once said, “So many people are shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would open up, unfolding quite wonderfully, if only you were interested in them.”
It’s wonderful really, knowing how significant this is for me right now. I am a very reserved person. I feel so strongly about countless things, but I keep it inside. Then someone comes along and typically, I don’t want to open up. I’m afraid of my own emotions. But here we are and what am I doing? Trusting you with my own truth. Why? You ask. You’re intrigued. You aren’t judging me in any way whatsoever. It’s a phenomenal security to not be judged. To have you accept and relate to my answers. To have someone on the same wavelength.

I'll talk to you forever. I can't wait for Tuesday :)

Consuming thoughts.

One day. That's all it took.
Regardless of what my future holds, I now have a much more positive outlook on what’s to come my way. All because of one day. I don’t know, it’s just weird. I have talked to so many people and I’ve never had anyone open my mind so much. I’ve never experienced someone reading me so well and knowing my personality down to the last detail in the best light in such little time.

Usually stuff like this doesn’t really phase me. I typically don’t like to think about the fact that I’m admired or the reasons why I would be, but this one’s different.

And like I said, regardless of what my future holds my outlook is different and so much more positive now.. because at least I know now that there are people out there like you.
I'm so happy that I've met you.

Late night musings

One again it had been quite some time since my last post. It's now November and even more had happened and changed since September! As of late I have just been so inspired to work my hardest and do my best when it comes to photography. My film class has been a bit hectic with our projects but for the next one, which is portraiture, I have so many ideas and I do not want to turn in my prints until I am satisfied. And I am already getting so many ideas for my final project, I am so excited!
If you know me well you know that I am quite self conscious about my scars on my back, but my goal for myself this year, honestly, is to get myself to take a self portrait of my back in a beautiful setting with morning or evening light coming in and to turn it in (because my theme for my final project is going to be skin) with confidence and higher self esteem. If I can do that... I will be so happy with myself.
My passion for physical therapy has slightly diminished so I am hoping to find more inspiration from God and my surroundings to know what I want to do with my future. I have always thought that I would love to be a photo or an art teacher at a high school or college, but who knows, God will give me the answer when I'm ready for it.
Music has become such a more prominent part of my daily life in the last few months than it has in the last few years. It is honestly one if my biggest passions and I am just always wanting more and more of it.
One thing that I am currently longing for is my passion for Christ back. I have found myself to be so distant from my faith lately and I just want so badly to have my love for Christ back. Not that I don't love him, of course I do!! But that passion and drive I used to have to learn more and more about his story and about God's purpose for us and love for us is what I need back. Maybe I will start doing personal devotions again :)
I am tired and have class early in the morning so I am off to bed, but pouring out part of my heart felt so good in this post. There is so much more I could say but I will save that for another post :3 I hope everyone is well!!

Hill

Let it be.

Wow, I haven't blogged in a while.
It's September 12 and I am laying in bed just thinking.

In five months, I have changed so much. I'm a different person than I used to be; but I am happy. I love where I am in life right now. I may not love having been laid off from my job, but aside from that, I love everything else. School is going well. I have a class with 3 of my friends that I never really got the chance to be close with, and now we're closer than ever. Same with most of those I am friends with now; we never really had the chance to be friends before and now we are all so close. I just truly adore it. I have been getting into film lately and my heart has finally found it's passion. I am in love with film photography. I want to make a career out of it. Oh, I got another tattoo :) The title of this post actually. In cursive it reads, "Whisper words of wisdom, let it be." I am absolutely in love with it.

What else. There is quite a bit but maybe I'll write about it when I'm not so tired.
But for now, here is my update: I'm happy.

One Hour Wait

This morning I got to work at 8:00(a little cafe about 10 miles from my house). It was okay at first, you know, not too many people. But about 1 hour in we got a crazy rush of people and the wait list for breakfast was over one hour. As we are all going crazy running around, I brought a table their coffee and the man sitting there said, “Oh! eemon!” (of course, that’s not a word. that is how it is sounded out… the real spelling is in Arabic) and he was flat out reading my tattoo! It was really cool considering I haven’t had anyone read it before. So as I was waiting on them, he taught me a few words in Arabic.

Later on, when I turned around to grab the pot of coffee, I looked over at the bar and saw Brian and Adam. Brian and Adam are two of my favorite people in the world. Whenever I see them, my day is immediately 100 times better. They are the sweetest, most genuine guys I have ever known and I love them like family. So, even though I was really busy, I ran over and gave both of them a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek. They wanted to know everything that’s new in my life and how summer’s been treating me. They hung out for a few hours… it was nice.

A party of like… 6 came in around 11:00 and they all ordered alcohol, so when I brought it out to them, one of the guys at the table elbowed my tray and all their beer spilled… all down my legs… and soaked into my Toms. Toms. Aka sponge shoes when wet. Yeah it was really nice, my shoes were soaked for the rest of the day and my feet were sticky.

Then, about an hour before I clocked out, our regular Tom yelled my name and held up and envelope. It was a gift certificate… for a 20 minute massage at the massage place next door. Best surprise ever!!! I guess he gives one to everyone that works there every once in a while. He is the best.

On my way home I remembered that I’m supposed to babysit tonight for like 3 hours… and then I got a phone call from they lady I’m babysitting for. But I ignored it because I was driving and called her back when I got home. She told me they wanted to switch nights and have me watch the kids tomorrow night… YES! so stoked. So I showered and now I’m listening to my new Bon Iver record and laying in bed with the windows open knowing I have no where to be. It is phenomenal.

Transparent

Sometimes it's irritating how much mothers can see about their kids.

For whatever reason, I was really sad today. My mind was filled with memories of Jon.. and that hasn't happened to me in a really long time. I felt really lonely when I woke up today and my eyes were filled with tears the whole morning. Then, as I was driving to the store, I found myself crying.. and same when I got back home.

For the past 2 hours, I've been fine, just relaxing and listening to music. I got sad for like... 15 seconds when a specific song came on shuffle.. but I got over it. Then, about 2 minutes later, after I haven't seen her all day, my mom came in my room to tell me goodbye because she is leaving for the night. Right as soon as she was walking out my door she stopped, turned around and said, "I feel like you're sad. Are you okay?" Gee, sometimes I just feel transparent. Like no matter what I try to portray on the outside, I'm just as obvious as a sad little kid.

Two

It's been two months since Jon and I broke up and I feel like I'm over it at times... But sometimes I still feel a little break in my heart. One that is enough to make me cry. But like I said, most of the time I feel fine. I feel like he was ages ago. Like he is a distant memory but sometimes he seems like the freshest memory I carry.
Today I took my friend to MiraCosta to take her placement tests and while I was waiting for her I ran to some stores to run some errands. I stopped at Jamba Juice for a smoothie and when I got there I saw that this girl I knew was working. I met her because she is Jon's friend Carlos' girlfriend. When my drink was up I said hi to her and she asked if I was still talking to Jon. It was the first time someone who doesn't already know what happened had asked about him... But I answered well telling her that we ended our relationship 2 months ago and she immediately drew back, covered her mouth and said "oh my gosh Hill I'm so sorry..."
Sometimes I don't know how to feel about it all but I know that the only way I can feel is to move past it. To continue with my life and to appreciate that Jon changed my life for the better. He helped me find myself and to love who I am. When I am not thinking of what we are now, I am happy. I guess gettin over someone happens in phases.

Oh the diet of a college student

Lately, my diet consists of: cheese sandwiches and bagels. That's about it. It's ridiculously boring! But every time I find myself at the fridge, I pull out the bread and cheese... I need some variety.

Anyway, it's been so long since I've posted! Or at least I feel like is has been. For the past week I have been live-in house sitting while a family I know is in Big Bear... and today is my first day home. It's so nice to be back in my own room, in my own bed, and able to do whatever I want around the house without having to worry about anything.

I have been doing really well lately :) Like almost too well.. haha. I've been really happy and excited to see what is to come my way in these next few months. I've gotten to the point where no matter where I am- a cafe, a friend's house, walking around somewhere, etc- I always think about how I got there. I always find myself somewhere random but just having fun wherever I am, and thinking to myself that I love my life. God has blessed me tremendously. I love who I am surrounded by, I love who I spend my time with and all the new people that are coming into my life.

All of June I was a ghost. I feel like I was there physically but mentally and emotionally I was just missing it all. I was depressed about losing the only person I have ever loved, and I think that had a great affect of how I am now. I feel like it takes completely shutting down to start up again. After almost 2 months, I feel alive.

Xoxo,
Hill

Coffee House Rat

I guess you can say I live at coffee houses. I spend more time there than I do at home.. and I love it. So naturally, I hop around from place to place... and at one of my stops the other day I ran into Jon. And for the first time in 1 1/2 months, he saw me. He didn't only look at me, but he stared at me. Not a rude stare, but like a surprised "oh...." stare. I just stared at him the same way... and resumed walking into the cafe. When I got to my table, my hands were shaking so much that I threw my keys unintentionally and I could hardly even hit a key on my phone. I thought I was going to throw up the whole time and my eyes overflowed with tears... the whole experience was awful. God only knows how he reacted...

I am different. I don't trust anyone completely. I got asked on a date today and I got mad. My mom told me that there is this Christian guy who lives next door to a family friend who is always helping her with her health problems, that he is "gorgeous," the nicest guy and that I would fall in love with him if I met him... and without even thinking I told her that I didn't want to fall in love with anyone. My walls are up higher than they have ever been. As much as I try not to think about him, memories pop in my head constantly, specifically ones that I have begun to forget. I dream about him almost every night. My brother's friend has been staying with us lately and yesterday, without me even saying anything about it, he told me this:
"I see it, Hill. I see you every morning when you wake up and I look in your eyes and all I see is pain... it sucks that he is capable of doing that to you."

I don't want this anymore. I don't want him to be able to see pain in my eyes. I wish memories couldn't bring out emotions. I wish I didn't miss him. I wish I didn't want him to care.

First day of the second half of 2011. A new start.

moving forward

A lot has happened this past week...

Yesterday I was just sitting there on my bed about to start getting ready for the Padres game and all of the sudden I started crying the hardest I have cried since the night Jon broke up with me. I don't know what it was- maybe it was seeing him or just feeling lonely- but it was awful. And then again, all of the sudden, I was fine. I got up out of bed, washed my face, and got ready. Why that hit me so suddenly I have no idea, but it was definitely strange.

About two days ago I was sitting at a park with my cousin and I had an epiphany that made me realize what I really want to do with my life. I had originally wanted to be an art therapist... but it hit me while I was sitting there that I want to study to become a physical therapist for children :) And I am so confident about it, it's amazing.

Also, tomorrow I am going back to Juicy Couture to try and get the job I was offered. I'm so excited :) I don't really buy much from their company and I'm not that much of a girly girl, but it's a good job and I think it could be fun.. so I'm going to go try and get it.

Today I got the chance to talk to my friend Nicole and it really helped me see things differently.. so I decided to move on. To let go of Jon and to move forward with my life. He happened and he was wonderful. I will always look back and smile on the memories that we have together and to be thankful that God sent him to me for that time in my life, but he is gone and I have to be okay with that. I deserve to let him go and to have and enjoy a life of my own. Realizing that I have gotten to this point of officially letting him go and moving on is harder than anything else has been so far... but I am looking forward to what God has in store for me regardless of the walls I have put up.

I don't want to be afraid to love someone other than Jon anymore.. I want to be okay with whatever happens.. and that is what I am working on. To accept anything that happens and to trust God with it.

"God sends us many angels in our life. Some we have to unfortunately let go, but the ones that stay will be the most amazing things in our lives." -an old friend of mine.

Walls

It's been a while since I have updated, so I figured a significant day like today would be a good time. As of today it has been one month since I have seen Jon. It was one month ago today that we broke up, making it the first month of 2011 where Jon and I have not been in each others lives.

As I was running errands the other day, I passed by Jon driving two or three times. It was the first time I had seen his face in a month... and it was very weird seeing him and knowing that he isn't mine anymore. I don't think he saw me, I could just spot his car anywhere because coincidentally he owns the one car I have always wanted...I'm doing okay, I think. It really sucks to say this, but I have changed a lot since we broke up.. not too badly, but enough to recognize that Jon was definitely my inspiration to be good, balanced and focused. I know I have God for that, but we all need our extra support. I got to hang out with my best friend Natalie today for the first time in a very long time and I told her that today makes it one month.. and she completely teared up almost to the point of crying... and she hardly ever cries. So I would say that says a lot.

I have been doing a very good job of not thinking too much about this. I miss Jon, I love him, but I'm learning to let go of him as hard as that is to do. It's been a lot easier being with my best friends every day but I swear there is something about the night that always haunts you with memories. I've woken up a few times at night to find myself crying extremely hard from either not dreaming at all or dreaming about just being with him. I let my walls down with Jon. He knows almost everything there is to know about me and knows every emotion as it crosses my face. But unfortunately now, my walls are back up and higher than ever... even with him.

Aside from that, one of my best friends, Shelby, practically moved in a few weeks ago haha so we have been having a really fun summer. I unfortunately didn't get into the summer class I signed up for, but you know what? Now I have time to myself to relax, work and just enjoy having a real summer. My cousin is visiting from Oregon right now and it is so good to see her. She is 14 and such a good girl! It's so amazing and exciting to see that she hasn't been pressured or influenced to do anything she would regret.



What else... I am so excited to get my next tattoos! I have my next two planned out, and I am still designing the one after those. I'm still trying to find a job and I'm really, really hoping to find one soon. And I'm getting really excited for the Jordan this week! I didn't get to go last week, I miss it.

Well I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer <3

Xoxo,
Hill

little kids at heart.

Last night was one of the funnest nights I have had so far this summer.

After running a few errands in the morning, Shelby and I went to pick up Connor to hang out at the house I am currently house-sitting. We sat around and watched The Lion King while smoking some delicious hookah and afterward we played an amazing few rounds of hide-and-go-seak in the pitch dark! When we ran out of places to hide, we felt like going on an adventure. It was 11:00pm and we went for a walk down to the golf course. While we were walking around we noticed all of the sprinklers on, and golf course sprinklers are pretty ridiculous... so we got this idea to run through them :) Of course, it was really cold out already and we would need some dry clothes to walk home in, so we just ran through in our t-shirts. It was seriously so much fun. The water was warmer than the air, so no harm there. The sprinklers turned off after a while so we walked back to the house and made some delicious hot cocoa. While Shelby was in the shower, Connor and I got the best idea to make breakfast! So we made toast and hashbrowns.. at 2:30 in the morning. Best idea ever. When Shel got out of the shower, we all cuddled up on the couch and watched some cartoons, jammed to some Shakira, and then watched Peter Pan. We felt like such little kids.. it was so great. By the time Peter Pan was over, it was about 4:00 in the morning and we just layed on the couch and chatted. Connor gave me the best scalp massage while Shelby played the drawing game on my back... hehe! At 5:00 Connor and I moved to the living room and layed on the comfier couches and ended up passing out there. Shel came in a bit later and we all woke up once at 9:00am, and then again at 11:00am and cleaned the house to get ready to leave.
After we dropped off Connor, Shelby and I went to Denny's for some breakfast.. so good!! Then we went to Vinaka for iced tea and ran into a couple friends, and afterward we headed back to the house to watch more Disney movies with our friend Evan.

These last few days have been so much fun and have really helped me to keep my mind off of Jon. Of course, I am always missing him more than ever, but its nice once in a while to be distracted from it.
I got in the mood to clean the house spotless today, so I put my hair up and caught a glimpse of my tattoo... I couldnt help but think about Jon and those two days we spent entirely together. How my tattoo is his design and how we are both down for life through this art. I miss him so much and I hate that he couldnt have stayed the night with Shelby, Connor and I last night. I wish he could be mine this summer, but thats not the case.. and it kills me. I miss him and I love him so much.. Letting go is not as easy as it sounds.

all i want is to see your face. i miss you so much.

Today was a surprisingly wonderful day for me. Shelby stayed over at my house last night and this morning we felt like we looked really cute so we wanted to go out :P
Of course, we headed first to Vinaka and then to Spin Records to find a poster for my incredibly blank walls in my bedroom... and we ended up buying an $8 Lou Reed poster :) We are both ridiculously broke right now, so we are trying not to spend much money these days. Even though we are always going out, we dont usually spend much.. maybe $1.50 here and there for tea, but that's it. So today, we were really hungry but had no food at the house and no money in our wallets to spend on lunch... so we took advantage of my parents' jobs and drove up to San Clemente for some free lunch at Beachfire! When we finished eating, we walked around the town and went into some boutiques to torture ourselves looking at the clothes we cant afford. After enough torture we walked down to the pier. This is where "surprisingly wonderful" comes in.
The last time I went to the San Clemente pier was when I was with Jon. We had the day to ourselves so we started out with lunch at Beachfire where Jon got to meet my dad for the first official time. After lunch, we did the same thing: went down to the pier. It was the most beautiful day and we had no limit on time.. so we walked slowly down the pier and talked. I remember getting to the end of the pier and Jon went to the rail to look down at the water. I walked over to another rail and was reading a little info card on something about the pier I think, and when I turned around to look at Jon, he was just standing there watching me with a smile on his face. I had never had someone look at me like that, just as if he just adored every move that I made. When we walked back down the pier, people looked at us and smiled. You know how us girls will see a cute couple walk by and maybe we smile to ourselves thinking that they look so cute together? That's how people were looking at us, they could tell we were happy.
This memory with Jon took over my mind today, as well as others with him. All the times this would happen when I would turn around and he would just be smiling or adoring me just being myself. It made me think of how I would look at him the same way when I would watch him play guitar, or any instrument for that matter, or when he would play with his niece and nephew or just anything that he would do. It made me think of the day that I knew that I was in love with him when he took me to Guitar Center and I got to see him in his element for the first time, surrounded by music; by his passion... I thought of the last time I got to spend the entire day with Jon when we went to LA for his show at the Roxy. On our way home, we were all so tired and Natalie and Levy fell alseep in the back. I tried to stay awake to keep Jon company but I was just too tired and fell asleep... I remember waking up and forgetting where I was and looking over to see Jon driving, how he looked back at me and smiled. That was the most content I have ever been; waking up with Jon right next to me, regardless of the fact that we were just driving in the car.
All of these memories flooded my mind, but the weird thing is that I never got sad. I was absolutely thrilled to be remembering everything. Of course, I would have Shelby's commentary when I decided to share one or two things that I was thinking and it would help me not to be sad about it, but that was still the first time that I had memories flood my mind and I didn't cry.

I truly miss Jon so much. Even if this isn't the smartest thing to do, it's still helping the pain of losing him go away: remembering the complete joy I felt every time I was with him no matter what we were doing and remembering how loved I felt every day. It makes me feel as if I haven't lost him; like I can go on facebook right now and talk to him on chat, but I obviously refrain from doing so. I know that I can't see him, it's difficult enough knowing that I could see him walk by at any moment because we are usually hanging out around the same places. I get anxious anywhere that I go thinking that he could be there and its hard for me to deal with. Indie Jam was impossible the other night; everyone that walked by was Jon to me. Just knowing that he was somewhere in the crowd was so overwhelming that I had to leave before seeing any of the bands play. I don't know how this is possible, but it's the memories that I have with Jon that are helping the most. Thinking of what we are now and how I can't see or talk to him (not because he doesnt want to, but because I'm just not ready for that yet) kills me.

Memories are what keep me going... they are all I have right now and I'm going to take advantage of that. I want him back, but I need to be patient with God and trust that He will take care of me and bring Jon back when and if he was meant to be back in my life.

You're my best friend

I'ts a good thing to write about your memories with someone, I think.

So it's 11:00am and Shelby and I are getting ready to go to Encinitas for the day. Of course, we always blast music while we're getting ready, so we put iTunes on shuffle and "You're my best friend" by Queen came on and reminded me of such a funny memory with Jon.

I had to write an essay for my Art History class on any painting in the gallery on campus, so I called Jon and asked him if he wanted to come be a nerd with me and stare at and analyze paintings. I was making lunch when I called him but he wanted to see me as soon as possible, so we met at Teri Cafe to drive over right then. After staring at the paintings for a good hour and deciding which to write about, he wanted to take me to lunch, so we drove over to Daphne's. On our way, Queen came on the radio and he turned the volume up and this was our conversation:
"Who is this singing?" -Jon, smiling.
"...I can't think on the spot!" -me
"Dude.... you're my best friend!" -Jon
"Aww... babe you're my best friend too!" -me
"Haha, well it's true. You are my best friend, but I meant that's the title of the song." -Jon

I couln't help but laugh, and even know I can't stop laughing.
After Daphne's he wanted me to try his favorite smoothie from Jamba Juice, the Matcha Green Tea smoothie. When I tried my first sip, my real reaction was "OH MY GOD! This is freaking amazing!!!" He thought I was faking it... no.. it really was amazing. And I now get it every time.

Don't let go of memories that make you smile, friends :)

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles.."

God knows that we are going to have times of suffering and heartache. He knows that there are times in our lives that aren't going to be easy, but He is there and is our comfort; His heart is heavy for us in these times. He wants to be that best friend you call when you need someone to comfort you.

I am learning to let go of Jon. Because I love him, I can do this. Sure it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, and it already is, but that's why I have God. I have God to reside in and to take comfort in.

keep the love, but let go.

Jon and I talked about this one night on our way home from San Diego, and I was just thinking about it but of course, in a whole new way.

What if I had never moved home from Oregon this past November?

We were talking about where I would be right now in life with a job I was offered at a coffee shop and how I would have been taking classes up there at the college... and he was reassuring me that I would have been fine.. until I looked at him and said, "If I had never moved home, Jon, I wouldnt be here with you. There would be no us." His jaw dropped and he just stared at me for a few seconds.. then shook his head and said, "I cant imagine that. That would be horrible."

This morning I was thinking about if I had never moved home and I was being selfish thinking, "I almost wish I hadnt moved home because then I wouldnt have had my heart broken.."

That thought was absolutely wrong. The truth is, if I had never moved home from Oregon, I wouldnt have found Jon. Jon unknowingly saved my from a very unhappy place in my life just by loving me. And no, it wasnt just that someone loved me, I had my friends for that. It was that Jon loved me. Jon. This amazing, smart, talented, sweet, funny, handsome guy wanted to spend every minute with me and I have never had that before. Ive never known what it was like to have someone that I loved, love me back. Jon taught me to accept love and to appreciate it. He taught me patience and to trust, even though now Im not so sure about the trust part... but I did trust that his feelings for me were real. Everyone around us could see it.

The truth is, Jon showed me a different side of myself that I didnt know was there. He brought out the best in me and made me fall in love with who I am. I couldnt be more thankful for that.

If I could have known what was going to happen after moving home, I still would have done it. The joy I had being with Jon was something I wouldnt have traded the world for. Now I have the memories and I still have the love, but I need to let him go. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but I need to do it. Maybe Jon and I will have each other again in the future, who knows, but I cant think that way. There will always be that hope, but at least I can be thankful for the past 4 months that I got to spend with him.

the part of life that i have always tried to avoid..... pain.

I just miss him. That's it. I really can't believe that I've lost him.

I love Jon with everything I have and my feelings for him aren't going to change, but I've learned that all I can do now is love him and pray for him.

This is a point in my life where I learn to trust God with my everything and believe that His plans are so much more brilliant than mine and that He will take care of me. Jon is the most amazing person than I have ever known and the memories I have with him keep consuming my mind. Like I've said... I didn't know it was possible to love and miss someone so much.

I have to focus on myself right now and live my life for me, but it's so hard to do when everything before was Jon.

I suppose, if you're reading this, please pray for me. I think I'm okay at times and then emptiness just hits me like a bag of bricks.

we dont choose who we love, we just do..

its 2:00am and i just woke up and i cant stop crying. i didnt think it was possible to miss someone so much.

i know i dont know whats going to happen. everything could turn out fine, who knows but just knowing that right now, in this moment, i dont know what is going to happen is the worst feeling ive ever known.

"Don't give up, just love."

I wrote Jon a letter. That is all that I needed; now my words and feelings are there for him to consider and my mind is more at ease knowing that I have officially let my guard down to possibly bring back the person that I love.

My friend Shelby and I woke up this morning and decided to have a picnic, so we went down to a restuarant I worked at for a few years to pick up some sandwiches and take them to the "secret spot." Well, on our way, we decided to kidnap our friend Connor, so we drove back to Carlsbad to get him :)
We went to the "secret spot" that Jon showed me back in February and had so much fun! We shared our sandwiches and curly fries with Connor and hung out for a little bit taking embarrassing pictures of each other and watching people down on the beach try to surf. Apparently we were tresspassing? And the police kicked us out :( but we decided to walk around Encinitas for a little longer. The weather couldn't have been more perfect and we just had a good time all together. I absolutely love the fact that I am reuniting all of us friends now that we are all in better stages in our lives!!

Today was a very good day for me.. my mind is finally relieved of all the feelings and thoughts that I was having about this situation with Jon and now he has them written down in his hands. Even though I would much rather see him in person, having him know how I feel is just so much better than not.

While Shelby and I were picking up our food this afternoon at T's, I was talking to my old manager and she asked if I had a boyfriend these days... when I told her that we were on hold for now and I'm not sure where it's going to go, she asked why and I told her. What she told me really hit my heart hard and made me feel very confident about this:
"Don't give up, just love."

patience is a virtue

So it has been 4 ridiculously long days of waiting to hear from the one person that I cannot imagine losing. Today though, I came to the conclusion that life doesnt like to follow your personal schedule. Something that Jon always told me was that patience is a virtue. Ive heard that my whole life, but never have I had it be more clear to me that it really does apply to day-to-day life.

This whole thing with Jon is teaching me a lot.
One: I need to learn to trust. I trust Jon with my life, but as soon as this situation came about, I began doubting that I mean enough to him; but what I realized from thinking that is that if Jon were to know that I was doubting how much I mean to him, he would probably be really upset that my mind would even go there. So I need to stop doubting and start trusting.

Two: I need to learn patience. I need to be patient with Jon. I know that he is going through a lot right now and that he needs his time to think and look at the bigger picture. I know that talking to each other is the only way to get through this, but by putting myself in his shoes, I realized that I would want a few days to think too and that I would hope that Jon would be patient with me. And this is another place where trust comes in: I need to trust that my patience is only going to make this better.

And Three: Reality freaking sucks, so I know how Jon must feel right now. He likes for things to be easy and finding out that he has to re-take his classes over the summer completely goes against the idea of things being easy. Of course, hes not the only one though. I have to take an english class this summer as well and Lord knows that no one is excited to take summer classes. I understand him, I know where he is coming from. We wanted a fun summer to ourselves. We wanted to enjoy being together and having the summer off together, but reality decided to smack us in the face and tell us that its not going to be that easy. Work and school are going to consume our time, and that is not a fun thought. But I want to do this together, who would want to do that alone without someone to help motivate you? We are both in the same boat and we can help motivate each other. This is where we fight reality. We can make it enjoyable just like we did for the spring semester and I hope we can do for the semesters to come.

So anyway, to wrap this up, I am more relaxed today. I had a final this morning for my statistics class and I got to school a few hours early to study with a couple friends. This final was ridiculous, it would either make or break my grade in the class, so I was forced to take my mind off of Jon. All I thought about was studying, memorizing formulas, rules, reasons and ideas that would help me pass this exam. The final took me a little under 2 hours to finish and honestly, I think I did pretty well. 10 hours of studying yesterday and 2 hours this morning paid off, at least I hope. So now that this semester is over, Im trying to enroll in my english class for the summer. My final this morning really helped me clear my head and allowed me to focus on everything else, which is helping me be patient with Jon. Im willing to wait for him because he is worth it and waiting is no longer holding me back from anything.

anticipation

This anticipation is killing me. I'm supposed to talk to Jon today in person about what is going on right now... but with his phone constantly acting up, I don't know when I'll hear from him.

But here is something that I am happy about, something that has given me a glimmer of hope. Jon and I are good together, and everyone around us can see it.

I went to Jon's best friend Connor's house yesterday to let him know what was going on and to get his opinion on things since he really knows Jon better than anyone. When I told him what happened, his first reaction was, "No... you guys are good for each other. There is no way something this small could get in the way of you two. Jon is happy with you, he's better with you. You are his angel, Hill. There is no way this is over. You guys need to talk and you need to open up to him. Tell him everything you are telling me now because I know Jon and what you are telling me is only going to bring you guys closer together."
We talked for a good 45 minutes or so and he was just so sure that things are going to work out.. which gave me so much hope that he was right.

Jon's main concern right now is that he wants me to be his first priority. He wants to put me before everything else in his life, but with everything kind of going crazy right now, he feels like he is putting me on the back burner and its not fair to me. What he needs to know is that him just thinking that I need to be his first priority is enough, but the reality is that I don't want to be his first priority. If we lived in a perfect and easy world, then yes, I would love to be at the top of the list. But we don't, we live in a world that makes things difficult. So realistically I can't be his first priority.. he should have other priorities, it's good for him. But what he needs to realize is that I would rather be at the bottom of his list than not on his list at all. I'm not high maintenance, so when we are together I don't care if we go out to lunch or coffee, or if we sit on his couch for a few hours doing nothing. I wouldn't care if we sat on his couch or in his room while he was doing homework or studying, it's just the fact that we are together that matters to me.

This is hurting both of us, so why put each other through it when the answer is actually pretty simple? We just need to be together. Not physically, just knowing that we have each other. For the last month, we have only been seeing each other once or twice a week, but the time we spend together makes up for the time we were apart.

When I saw him at work yesterday, we were both distraught. We were both miserable and the term "speechless" actually struck me straight in the face, I couldn't open my mouth to say one word, all I could do was look at him while he tried to get some words out.. Now that I have had time to think about everything, I know what I need to tell him. Pretty much everything that I've written here but just with a few extra things added.. I don't care how cheesy this sounds, but life makes sense with Jon. I feel alive with him.. We are so young and I think that this kind of thing is rare for people our age.. so why just give up on it because its not exactly easy anymore? Nothing is easy, life is hard.. but we should be doing this together. Life is easier for both of us just having each other, so why give up? There is no reason. Yeah, its scary, but it's worth it. Jon is worth it.


If you are reading this, please pray for me and please pray for Jon. I think that we deserve each other. We need to see each other.. it just feels like today is going by so slow and the anticipation is creeping up on me.

speechless

Just heard the most heartbreaking words a person can hear... and I dont know how to feel or what to feel.

Please be praying for me... If this is really happening, I dont know if I can do it. Jon is everything Ive ever prayed for and the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me..

We are going to talk tomorrow... I just cant believe this is how Im starting my summer... especially when neither of us saw this coming, neither of us want this to happen and we are both hurting.

God,
You are my main foundation, but Jon is my second. He keeps me grounded and livens my soul... without him, I dont know what I would do. Please, if this is what was meant to be, help me be okay with it.. but I dont see how something that hurts two people so badly is what is meant to happen.. so please... help me to be strong in whatever happens and help Jon see that we keep each other in the right place and that even with other priorities taking up so much time, we are still doing so much for each other just being together. God, you brought me Jon for a reason and I dont feel that its over..
Love, your daughter.

islander.

One year ago today I left for what would be the most amazing 2 weeks of my life. I didn’t know what I was doing. I knew not one person on my team so I didn’t know who I would meet, what I would experience or if I was even going to want to be there for 2 whole weeks. I didn’t know what I had to offer or what I would be taught, all I knew was that God was doing everything in his power (which is literally everything) to get me to this place I had never been. A place that people dream about going to for honeymoons, vacations, etc. But there I was, being called there not for a vacation or a homeymoon, but for showing love, working harder than I have ever worked and experiencing God in a whole new way.

The people of Fiji captured my heart. I left a part of my soul there with them. After day one I felt like the people living in Homes of Hope were my family.

I don’t really like the beach that much and I’m not a fan of the whole touristy idea of “island life” with the grass skirts, flower necklaces and living in bikinis… but while I was there, I belonged on that island. I didn’t even want to think about going back to America. Leaving your shoes at the door, spending the morning looking out over the rainforest, no furniture, no makeup, doing nothing to your hair, baggy clothes, walking everywhere, not caring about whether it was raining or if the sun was out, not having TV, cell phones, computers, or ipods became a lifestyle I fell in love with…

And now here I sit, one year later, in a Fijian inspired cafe remembering the everlasting effect that my Fijian family left on me, people that “have nothing” through consumer eyes but who have everything through the eyes of God.

good morning, monday

I was at a coffee shop yesterday from 1:00pm until 8:00pm working on an essay... and here I find myself again working on it and its due in one hour.. oh my!

I can already feel the stress that is going to come along with this week. I don't have finals until next week but this will be my week of studying probably every day.. I haven't seen Jon since Thursday night and for some reason I just miss him so much. Mondays he works 10 1/2 hour shifts and his family is moving into a new house right now so I know that he is so busy too, but seeing each other for even just a few minutes would just make us so much happier. I cannot wait for summer so we can be together so much more.
Thinking of seeing him more takes me back to a memory we have when we were looking for a house a few months back. The house Im living in was built in 1940.. so it is ridiculously old and run down.. so my family and I were looking for a new house. While Jon was at Connor's one day he noticed that the house directly parallel to Connor's was for rent and he called me right away begging to get my parents to look at it. He said that it would be his dream if we moved into that house so we could see each other every day. God I would have loved that.
One thing though that lifts my spirits when I'm missing him is that based on how he talks about our future and how we feel about each other now, I don't have to worry about losing him.. Of course, I know that this can change, but as for now I know that he isn't going anywhere and neither am I, and that makes me the happiest I have ever been.

On another note, Wednesday is my doctors appointment to find out anything we can about what is going on with my knees, and well now also my ankles and hips. On one hand, I am so excited to find out just so I can finally know what this is, if there is a cure and if not, I can start treatment. But on the other hand, I don't want to find out if it is something bad... but I'm going to try not to think that way and hope that it is something more common.

Well, hopefully we all make it through this week!

Xoxo,
Hill

13 years of friendship

I completely forgot that today was Friday the 13th... it definitely didnt seem like it!

My friend Shelby and I have been friends since we were little ones in kindergarten, and for whatever reason, we havent seen eachother since this past September! Soo much has happened since then, so we just had to get together to hang out and catch up. We ended up hitting what seemed like every city today! We started off in Oceanside and went to Starbucks in Carlsbad to use up the gift cards I got for my birthday and from there we went to the Westfield mall. After torturing ourselves by shopping without money, we began driving home and decided to just take a road trip to San Diego to visit a little hookah bar called Cafe Lulu.



We had so much fun in SD! We parked in a super cheap, ghetto parking lot so that we didnt have to pay $50 like Jon and I did, and walked downtown. We stopped in Urban Outfitters on our walk to the cafe and once again tortured ourselves because of how broke we are right now.. but still had so much fun! And I could have sworn that we saw Dougy Mandagi from The Temper Trap... :O
After Urban, we talked around trying to find Cafe Lulu and thank goodness, we found it, walked in and sat down by 6:58 and ordered at 6:59, one minute before happy hour ended! Which meant we had just enough to afford it.

We hadnt eaten anything all day, so after Cafe Lulu we were starving... and since we had no money and no food at my house, we decided to go back up the coast and go farther north to my dad's restaurant in San Clamente called Beachfire! We kinda got lost on our way to the freeway so we called Jon and when we told him we were in SD getting on the freeway to go to San Clamente, he was right when he said "Ohhhh myyy.... did you not get enough driving yesterday?!" I totally forgot how much driving we did yesterday.. San Marcos to Carlsbad to Bonsall to Oceanside to LA and back to Oceanside... O.o

But oh well!! What a good choice it was to drive so far because mmmmmm... the food was even more amazing than usual because of how hungry we were.


We left around 11:30 to go home and we were laughing so hard and having such a good time when all the sudden we were getting in our car when 2 guys walked by and told us we shouldnt be driving drunk and wanted us to be careful... come on now. Like girls cant have fun these days without being drunk??? First of all, we are under 21 and absolutely despise drinking. Second of all, sorry guys but it is possible that we can have more fun being sober! Goodness.... but besides that we had such a fun day!! I missed that girl so much!

So tomorrow night Birds of Paradise is playing a benefit concert so Im hoping that Shel and I can make it. Cant wait! :)

Xoxo,
me

oh what a week

I cant believe that its already Friday.. well that its actually Friday. Ive been a day off this whole week. Monday I thought was Tuesday, Tuesday I thought was Wednesday, etc... and it was because this week I only went to one class (oops) and I wasnt scheduled to work at all after Monday..

I went into Teri Cafe on Monday to see Jon and to clear the air.. and oh my goodness it feels so much better to know that everything is fine! Sunday was honestly the longest day of my life with both of us having to work from morning til night.. so Monday definitely couldnt have come faster.. and everything turned out perfect. Hint #1: big smile on his face when I walked in. Hint #2: big smile and a little laugh when I said "Im so sorry!" and then being able to talk about it. ugh... relief!

Tuesday was just flat out awful and only because I was bombarded by a swarm of bees in my house after waking up from a much needed nap.

Now that I think about Wednesday, I did more than I thought. Class in the morning was hilarious. We watched a 25 minute long documentart called "What I did on my vacation; the happenings" that just about completed my life. It was about "the happenings" of the late 1950s and the early '60s where groups of people got together and did ridiculously random things that counted as making statements to the public. Amazing! I want so badly to watch it again but I cant find it anywhere :/
Anyway, what else.. I met Jon right after class at Jamba Juice for a little bit before he went to work and after I went to Natalies..but since we did absolutely nothing at her house, I decided to take her to a place Jon is obsessed with that I still hadnt been to. Its a little shop in Oceanside called Captain's Helm and if you know Jon, that store is him. Everything in that store resembles some part of his personality and I was so blown away the second I walked in! We were there for like 30 mins or so just staring at everything. Thank God my finals arent until the week after this or I would feel awful that I didnt spend any time studying. After Captains Helm, we went to community night at church.. Its so weird going from the Jordan to Community Night. Ive graduated and Im in college but most of my friends are still in high school so I go every once in a while to the HS services.. but its just so weird. Im so glad they are all going to be at the Jordan next semester :)



Yesterday was Thursday and by far the busiest day of my week. I didnt go to class again because Jon and I had intended on leaving for LA around 1:30, which would have put practice at like 12:00... but we were a little late getting to practice around 1:00. Louis was in the shower so we waited for like 20 minutes to go inside and Carlos wasnt there yet, so they just messed around until he got there. God, I could listen to Jon play guitar for the rest of my life and be happy. He kept playing my absolute favorite song "sweet disposition" and I felt like a giddy little kid bouncing on a bed from excitement. Haha oh my.. when Carlos finally showed up, stressed as ever, they practiced until 4:00 which put us ridiculously off schedule.. and we didnt leave until 4:45.. we had to pick up Natalie in Oceanside which put us back a bit too, and then we were off. Thank God alive there was no traffic until about an hour of being there. The car ride was a little stressful.. but we still managed to make it fun. It was Jon, Natalie, Levi and I in the car and we just decided to goof around and play weird music the whole way up. When we got there...The Roxy. Thats all I can say! It was amazing. A little stressful still since we had so much to do in so little time, but it was okay because when they pulled the curtains up, they were amazing! They did so good, I was so proud. They played for 40 minutes and as soon as the curtains went down, a very, very large security guard pulled me aside and asked to talk to me. All I could think was "holy crap, holy crap... what did I do!?" well it just turned out that I was "cute".. are you kidding me!? He scared me so much and when I told him how I knew the band he was like "oh.. i see how this is. yeah i dont want to give him any wrong messages so ill let you go." thank you!! Natalie got a kick out of it and thought it was the funniest thing that ever happened to me so she decided to tell Jon who wasnt too happy about it. Ugh haha I hate getting hit on!! Worst thing ever. Anyway, Natalie and Levi passed out on the way home and I tried so hard not to fall sleep so that I could keep Jon company and just in case he got tired... but I was way too exhausted and kept falling asleep and waking up over and over again.. fail.
We got back in record time and we were all exhausted so we went home. But honestly, it was all together an amazing day.

Today I get to hang out with my friend Shelby who I havent seen since I moved to and back from Oregon last year..its been so long! Im so stoked. And then next week Ill be back to reality and studying more than ever for my finals.

Hope everyone is well!

Xoxo,
Hill

you are wonderful

I woke up this morning so thankful that the weekend is over. This weekend was just so weird and random and stressed me out a bit too much... plus it was so painful! Smashing my hand in the door of my car and getting a minor concussion from getting nailed in the forehead with a block of wood definitely did not make it a better experience.. so this morning I was so relieved to have a band new week to look forward to.
This morning I went to breakfast with my grandma, mom and aunt Heidi at Mimi's Cafe and got to spend some time with the both of them to make up for Mother's Day. I went to Teri Cafe straight from there to hang out with Jon at work for a little bit and to apologize for the off weekend. I love how much he trusts me and how well he knows me to know that this weekend was nothing at all... and I was so relieved to see that amazing smile on his face when I walked in the door.. I feel so lucky to have someone so wonderful in my life. I never thought it would happen for me. I left about an hour after being there to go to E Street Cafe in Encinitas to do some research and studying for my Art History class until I had to leave for work and thank goodness I got so much done. I know it sounds like I went to a lot of food places today, but I actually didnt order anything from anywhere I went.. so dont worry, Im not that much of a spender ;) Work was great today! Baby Addy was in such a great mood and she was honestly laughing the whole time. She is so frikin adorable!
It has been so long since I have seen Natalie and my God, I missed her so much! We went to coffee this evening at the Old California Coffee House where I actually did order myself something to eat and drink for the first time today. We had so much fun catching up and playing cards. She had never been there before, oddly enough since its right down the street from her house, but she fell in love with it! We might just have to make that a weekly tradition.... :)



Anyway, tomorrow I dont work since I picked up a shift this afternoon, so I get to spend the day with Jon before we go up to LA on Thursday for his show! So excited. I have a feeling this is going to be a great week! Definitely much needed after this past weekend.

Hope you all are doing well!

Until next time,
Hill


xoxo

my goodness, tonight was absolutely amazing. san diego, subway, hookah bar, fleet foxes, in-n-out, jonathan michael. best birthday present i could have asked for. thank you babe!

<3

how wonderful life is while you're in the world

I couldnt have asked for this week to have ended any better way. After a week of school, work and non-stop studying, I was definitely ready for a break.

Thursday after work, I went with my friends Alicia and Christy to The Jordan, the college ministry at my church. It was such a great night, and even though I was strangely introvert, it was wonderful to see everyones faces! I cant wait to go back this week.

I usually work between 8 and 11 hours on Fridays, so Thursday night I was hoping to get plenty of sleep to prepare myself for a full day of watching a 6 month old baby.. until about 6:30 in the afternoon when I get a text from the mom that I babysit for telling me that I didnt have to work Friday! Meaning I didnt have to wake up at 5:00am to be there by 6:30am... finally, I got to sleep in! My friend Evan and I have been trying to get together this past week to cathch up, but we had both been so busy, so since I had Friday off, her and I finally got to get together! We went to Vinaka, of course, and talked for hours. It was so good to see her after one whole year (where time goes, I have no idea) and to hear how well she is doing! I really missed her. That afternoon, I was planning on just relaxing at home since I didnt really have any plans, but my friend Sarah surprised me with an invite to go to a benefit concert with her! So we went spur of the moment and had such a great time.

Saturday I just ran around and did some errands until I found out that one of my best friends was camping at the Carlsbad campgrounds with her family! If you know me, you know that camping is one of my favorite things in the world and Ive been dying to go for the longest time.. so when I heard they were there, I was all in. I showed up around 6:00pm and when I got there, Leesha was on a bike ride with her moms friend, so I played with her adorable little miracle brother, Kaeden, who is almost one year old now! I adore him so much. Leesh got back about 20 minutes later and we watched part of Toy Story 3 with the baby, and then went and had burritos around the campfire with her family and my aunt and uncle. We had so much fun! I always forget how much fun I have with all of them.. I love them so much.




While at the campgrounds, our friend Jodi told me about the street fair that was today, and I got so excited. I love the street fair and I havent been in so long! I always seem to be out of town or something when they are being held...so I definitely planned on going. When I woke up this morning, I walked in the living room and looked out the window to see my neighbor Alistair having a yard sale in my front yard! Haha so I went out and helped him out with a few things and ended up buying a tripod for my camera and he gave me some oil paints for free... stoked! After attempting to work out which failed do to my arthritis pain getting worse and worse, I got ready for Natalie to come over to go to the fair. On our way, we stopped at Jamba Juice where I got a delicious Matcha Green Tea smoothie which Jon got me hooked on a few months ago, and we ended up running into our friend Connor! We walked all the streets of the fair and ran into Natalie's sister toward the end and went up to Vinaka for some tea to cool us down.. it was like 80 out today, so hot! After Vinaka, we walked a few more streets and right when we were about to leave... we heard some beautiful music coming from some direction. Realizing the song was "Oh! Darling," we just had to follow the noise until we found where it was coming from.. and when we arrived, I almost fainted. It was closest I will ever come to seeing the Beatles play live (obviously); a British band dressed up in suits with wigs on completely resembling the Beatles. Most amazing thing ever!!! The only thing that would top that for me would be seeing Paul McCartney live. We stayed for a few songs and watched the most adorable old couple dance to the songs that they grew up to and then walked home and got ready to go to Natalie's house. After leaving Nat's, I decided to go surprise Jon at work since I knew he had a long day staying indoors and not being able to go to the fair. I always love seeing his face when I go in to surprise him :) It always makes both mine and his day, haha. I sneaked my debit card in at the last second so I could pay for some soup, but Jon being Jon, ordered me more food so he could be the one to pay for it.. haha gotta love it, though. It made me so happy to see him after such a busy week. All my problems seem to fade away when Im with him and being left with feeling only joy. You've gotta love God's perfect plan.

Tomorrow I say goodbye to my friend, Alistair who was having the yard sale this morning. He is leaving for the Oregon Trail at about 7:45am.. Im so nervous for him but I know he is going to have such an amazing experience! He will definitely be in my prayers for the next few months for safety.

Im also getting sooooooooo excited for this Friday! Fleet Foxes!! :)

I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!

Xoxo,
Hill

oh my goodness..

I am having a hard time believing that today is only Wednesday. I feel like Easter was forever ago...

Lately, my life has been this exactly: wake up, try to get exercise, school, work directly after, study 4-6 hours directly after work, try to get sleep... repeat.



My social life right now is this coffee shop, saying hello to people I run into here or talking to the employees for the few seconds that Im ordering a drink. I dont think I have ever missed someone so much. Since my birthday over 2 weeks ago, Jon and I have only been able to see each other a few times because of our schedules. Thank God that is about to change; we've both been picking up more work than usual, but next week will be much more mellow... hurray! I dont know how much more I can take of this.

Thank goodness I have a lot to look forward to coming up, otherwise I dont even know how I would be lasting right now.
May 6th- I get my official birthday present from Jon going to the Fleet Foxes concert! :)
May 12th- we are going up to LA for the day and then he has a show up there at the Roxy later that night.
May 15th- weekend of service with North Coast
Late May- END OF THE SEMESTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 5th- Independence Jam!!

Although I have now been at Vinaka for 4 hours, its actually been really nice! Practically everyone I know flooded in and out of the cafe all day. So fun to be able to see everyone :) Definitely made my day just that much better.

I hope everyone is doing alright out there!

Xoxo,
Hill

I exist so I can love you.

Happy Easter, everyone :)

Almost two years ago, I fell in love with God. I dont like remembering any time before that because it wasnt me; the real me is someone who exists to love God. I have never known a greater love... I am reminded every day of God's love just by looking around. Sometimes we get caught up in the stress of every day life and it can be hard to see through clear eyes the bigger picture, but when all is set aside, it is one heck of a breathtaking picture.

God wants the best for us. He wants us to be in love with Him, to show love, to be love, to be light, to be happy.

We all go through a lot in a lifetime and with us being such a ridiculously distracted generation, it can be easy to lose sight of what is important, even though in the depths of our hearts we always know what is important. But something that is so incredibly vital to always remember is that God will never, ever let us go through something that is too much for us to handle. We think we know ourselves better than anyone but the truth is that we will never know ourselves better than God knows us. He knows our limits because He created them; He knows what we can handle and He only lets us experience certain things because in the end, they make us grow and make us stronger. I think that with this mindset, we can begin to see everything differently, in a different light. Realizing that, regardless of how cliche it sounds, everything happens for a reason and trusting it adds to the light that we are meant to be. Everything that we are given adds to the love we are meant to show, and just knowing how much God loves us adds to the happiness He wants us to experience.

Remember to love every day, and in return we are loved.

Have a wonderful Easter, everyone.

Xoxo,
Hill

If you give a little love you can get a little love of your own.

I mentioned recently in one of my posts that I have been feeling the need to be there for my friend who is expecting, so yesterday on my way home from Coronado, I picked up a box of baby clothes and such from my small group leaders house, a bag of baby socks from my other friend's house and put them all in a box for her along with some maternity shorts and yoga pants that another friend of mine gave me.
Being a nanny has taught me so much about motherhood; what you need, what brands are best, what everything even is (like the stuff you see on the shelves at Target in the baby isles), etc. So, even though Im really trying not to spend my money right now, I figured this is a whole different situation. Putting my new motherhood knowledge to use, I went to Target this morning and picked up a few things that I know are absolutely vital to have in those first few months of having a new baby. I was actually laughing at myself in the isle becuase of how much of a mom I felt like looking at everything going "Oh I love these, these are the best!" or "Oh man, I use these all the time, she will definitely need them!" Hahaha..but I was just so excited to see my friend today that I felt buying her those few little things was just really special..

Again, even though Im trying not to spend, I treated her to tea this afternoon at the Old California Coffee House; my second favorite coffee shop after Vinaka :) We had so much fun cathching up and opening gifts and just talking about the past and future and all that. I felt that even though I was going out on a limb and spending money today, I was blessing someone else so much and it was just the best feeling. Plus I found out that the things I picked out for her were exactly some of the things she had been wanting most from Target for her son.

I missed my friend and I love knowing that God has us in each other's lives for a reason. So happy to be back in her life!

Xoxo,
Hill

Coronado, best friend, look-a-likes, iced chai lates, and Marilyn Monroe.

Today I went to Coronado with one of my best friends, Leesha. We never get to hang out, so today was especially fun. We had intended on going to the Earth Day festival in Balboa, but when we saw how many people were there and how little parking there was, we decided to drive to Coronado instead!

Coronado was holding an old car show today; one of our favorite things! And of course on the one day that we go down there. So fun. After the show we went walking around the island and came across this little 1960's style coffee shop and wanted to go in so badly! But it was so crowded had such a long wait that we decided just to keep walking.. but as soon as we walked around the corner...

There was a barista window! So. cute! So we ordered the world's most delicious iced chai lates and sipped on them as we walked around town and looked in little vintage shops.

We found ourselves in this little cubbyhole alleyway of cute shops and decided just for the heck of it to go in one of the most touristy of them.. and the second we walked in and looked at the guy working, we froze. It was Pen Badgley's twin. No joke, it was the weirdest thing ever... so I gave him Leesha's number :) Haha so ridiculous.

And speaking of famous people, we decided to take a visit to the Hotel del Coronado where Marilyn Monroe stayed and filmed. We walked around the entire hotel, on every floor and balcony... and let me tell you, it was a bit insane. The staircases are all slanted and crazy and every step you take, the floor creeks! But I have to admit, the ballroom would definitely be an amazing place for a highschool to hold their prom, or for a bride and groom to have their wedding reception. Amazing! The gift shop- yes, the hotel had a gift shop- was filled with postcards, videos, pictures, purses, etc of Marilyn.. so cute.

After a long day of crazy driving and walking forever, we were treated to a delishhh tempoura plate at Teri Cafe :) Such a fun day! Love you Leesh!

Xoxo,
Hill

Blogging and a cup of tea to end a very long day

Today was one of the longest days I have had in a very, very long time. I woke up at 5 this morning to be at work by 6:30.. Hawea, the 5 month old that I nanny, was in the best mood. ever. Thank goodness! We had such a good morning. I took her out for the day to get a Starbuck and then to visit some of my family where she got to play with my 8 month old cousin. So cute! I got back to meet the parents at their house by 12 to drop off Hawea, but it ended up that they needed me to stay cuz they both had so much they had to do.. I was there until 4:45, so a little over 10 hours. Im soo exhausted! I was like the mom today.. crazy. Thank goodness I love my job and get paid well :) So anyway, other than that, I figured Id write about my week :) This past Sunday was my 18th birthday, and its been the most memorable so far!

The piano vid kinda sucks.. that was my first time playing it all the way through. Ill get a better one soon :)

I dont like to go all out for my birthday, so we kept it simple. Dinner with the family plus Natalie and Jon, and then cake and ice cream after with my grandparents :)

I was surprised not only with the piano from my parents, but also a present from Jon.... tickets for the best seats at Spreckles Theater to see the sold out Fleet Foxes concert!!!!!!!! So. so. so. excited. Back to reality. Ive been really busy keeping up with school and starting to pick up more work nannying.

Im considering being a small group leader for junior highers at my church on Tuesday nights, but looking at my schedule I just dont know how to fit it in along with already being in my own small group Wednesday nights and starting to go to the Jordan on Thursday nights... so much church... haha but I really love it.

One of my best friends is 20 weeks pregnant and today I decided, after long of being on the fence about our friendship, I need to just be there for her. I asked the mom that I nannied for today if she had any maternity clothes that she doesnt want anymore so I can bring them to my friend :) Her and her new husband rented an apartment together so Im planning on going over there soon to visit them and drop off the clothes. Ive been praying about this a lot, and I know that God wants me to be involved in her life and that baby's life. Even though she is only 18, I know she is going to make such a wonderful mother to her son.. I cant wait to watch him grow up.

I suppose thats all for now... hope everyone is well!

Xoxo, Hill

so, so very in love

walking into my room and seeing a baby grand piano sitting against my wall just waiting for me... i couldnt talk, breathe, think.. all i could do was cry. i would have never expected for my parents to make my biggest dream come true... but in fact they did. i am so in love with it, its ridiculous.

its only 11:15am and i have already had such a wonderful birthday. i feel so blessed to have jon and natalie in my life.. they make me feel so very loved and i couldnt ask for anything more. this is by far the best birthday i have ever had.. but truly, i wouldnt have any of this if it werent for God. he is so wonderful, it just takes my breath away.. :)

the "big day"

ive been pretty independent since i was 14. i got a job and had it for 3 years, started paying car payments, paying for food (groceries and going out), gas, clothes, etc.. i moved out (to a different state) a few months after i turned 17 and paid for rent and everything that comes with living on your own for a few months and then moved home for various reasons. ive acted as if i live on my own (aside from paying rent, of course) since ive moved back home in november.. so you would think that turning 18 would be no big deal.. right?

im in college at a young age, but i feel perfectly in place. im not in the mindset of a highschooler anymore...but it just hit me that life is propelling forward.

i think im really excited. its just a rush of reality. crazy.

hope your all having a great week.

xoxo,
hill

i know everyone has off days, but i really dont like them..

i am not the biggest fan of today. i feel like something is off, i just cant figure out what it is.

im currently at vinaka working on my stats homework..without my book. this semester is so close to being finished and i cant decide if i should buy my stats book or not. i bought one at the beginning of the semester, but it got stolen :( soo should i spend another $100 on one for just the last month?? i feel like im going to fail without it even though i got an 80% on my last test.. so much moneyyyy...

there are a few other things that are making today just not the best.. :/ but hopefully tomorrow is better.

hope everyone is having a great week

xoxo,
hill

Never forget to...

BeDifferent is a pact of kindness, truthfulness, self control, and most of all, love. It is a pact to think of others before yourself and to do your part in making our world a little less chaotic.

A lot of the time we try to remember to be this way on our own, but the reality is that most of us need a reminder. The BeDifferent wristband is that reminder.

What I think is really cool is that a lot of people, strangers in our own lives, want to be this way but need a little push. Ive had so many people comment on my wristband saying how much they love it and want to know what it means. Just the words themselves scream "change." Ive also run into a few friends that I havent seen in so long and a select few of them were wearing the wristband! BeDifferent is slowly but surely spreading like wildfire and for an amazing purpose.

Are you in?

Xoxo,
Hill

Spent today with my best friend.. Ive missed her so much!!! We went to our usual field and this spring, its beautiful and green. Such a bummer the day had to end early for me to go to work! But so so so excited for Saturday when we go to the BOP show and for next weekend when Jon and I get tattoos!!!! :D

Hope everyone is having an amazing week :)

Xoxo,
Hill

The black and white photo is one of my favorites from today's shoot with Kelly, and the one in the field was a candid from the shoot we did on Saturday. They went so well!! I fall more in love with photography every shoot that I have...
Enjoy!

Xoxo,
Hill

Relief.

Yesterday... I told him my story. I told him everything about my past that makes up who I have become. I knew I was going to have to tell him eventually, but I wasnt sure when it was going to happen.. and all of the sudden he asked me one question that followed a statement I had said. That question was "Why?" and thats when I knew.. I was about to spill it. I could tell he knew as well.

I had never been so nervous to tell anyone my story before; not even when I was in a crowd of strangers. I was nervous because he was about to know me and maybe see me in a different light, and I wasnt sure if that light would be good or bad.

I didnt leave anything out. Everything as embarassing as being anorexic and bulimic for one year and as intense as running away was out in the open. All the reasons behind those things were out as well. But when I was talking, I felt something that I didnt expect to feel, and that was confidence. I was confident that this was good, that he was accepting it. I was confident that I didnt break anything, and that for me is a huge leap. I am so good at thinking that people are going to leave, mainly because its happened to me so many times; but in this case, I felt secure.

Security is something that I have only ever known with one person, and that one person is my best friend Natalie. She is the one person that got to experience everything first hand while I was going through it and never had one single thought of leaving me to deal with it on my own. She has never let me feel like I didnt have anyone, and now there is another who, although didnt get to experience it first hand, knows my story and isnt going anywhere.

God is so good. He is so smart.... and I am so relieved.

Xoxo,
Hill