One Hour Wait

This morning I got to work at 8:00(a little cafe about 10 miles from my house). It was okay at first, you know, not too many people. But about 1 hour in we got a crazy rush of people and the wait list for breakfast was over one hour. As we are all going crazy running around, I brought a table their coffee and the man sitting there said, “Oh! eemon!” (of course, that’s not a word. that is how it is sounded out… the real spelling is in Arabic) and he was flat out reading my tattoo! It was really cool considering I haven’t had anyone read it before. So as I was waiting on them, he taught me a few words in Arabic.

Later on, when I turned around to grab the pot of coffee, I looked over at the bar and saw Brian and Adam. Brian and Adam are two of my favorite people in the world. Whenever I see them, my day is immediately 100 times better. They are the sweetest, most genuine guys I have ever known and I love them like family. So, even though I was really busy, I ran over and gave both of them a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek. They wanted to know everything that’s new in my life and how summer’s been treating me. They hung out for a few hours… it was nice.

A party of like… 6 came in around 11:00 and they all ordered alcohol, so when I brought it out to them, one of the guys at the table elbowed my tray and all their beer spilled… all down my legs… and soaked into my Toms. Toms. Aka sponge shoes when wet. Yeah it was really nice, my shoes were soaked for the rest of the day and my feet were sticky.

Then, about an hour before I clocked out, our regular Tom yelled my name and held up and envelope. It was a gift certificate… for a 20 minute massage at the massage place next door. Best surprise ever!!! I guess he gives one to everyone that works there every once in a while. He is the best.

On my way home I remembered that I’m supposed to babysit tonight for like 3 hours… and then I got a phone call from they lady I’m babysitting for. But I ignored it because I was driving and called her back when I got home. She told me they wanted to switch nights and have me watch the kids tomorrow night… YES! so stoked. So I showered and now I’m listening to my new Bon Iver record and laying in bed with the windows open knowing I have no where to be. It is phenomenal.

Transparent

Sometimes it's irritating how much mothers can see about their kids.

For whatever reason, I was really sad today. My mind was filled with memories of Jon.. and that hasn't happened to me in a really long time. I felt really lonely when I woke up today and my eyes were filled with tears the whole morning. Then, as I was driving to the store, I found myself crying.. and same when I got back home.

For the past 2 hours, I've been fine, just relaxing and listening to music. I got sad for like... 15 seconds when a specific song came on shuffle.. but I got over it. Then, about 2 minutes later, after I haven't seen her all day, my mom came in my room to tell me goodbye because she is leaving for the night. Right as soon as she was walking out my door she stopped, turned around and said, "I feel like you're sad. Are you okay?" Gee, sometimes I just feel transparent. Like no matter what I try to portray on the outside, I'm just as obvious as a sad little kid.

Two

It's been two months since Jon and I broke up and I feel like I'm over it at times... But sometimes I still feel a little break in my heart. One that is enough to make me cry. But like I said, most of the time I feel fine. I feel like he was ages ago. Like he is a distant memory but sometimes he seems like the freshest memory I carry.
Today I took my friend to MiraCosta to take her placement tests and while I was waiting for her I ran to some stores to run some errands. I stopped at Jamba Juice for a smoothie and when I got there I saw that this girl I knew was working. I met her because she is Jon's friend Carlos' girlfriend. When my drink was up I said hi to her and she asked if I was still talking to Jon. It was the first time someone who doesn't already know what happened had asked about him... But I answered well telling her that we ended our relationship 2 months ago and she immediately drew back, covered her mouth and said "oh my gosh Hill I'm so sorry..."
Sometimes I don't know how to feel about it all but I know that the only way I can feel is to move past it. To continue with my life and to appreciate that Jon changed my life for the better. He helped me find myself and to love who I am. When I am not thinking of what we are now, I am happy. I guess gettin over someone happens in phases.

Oh the diet of a college student

Lately, my diet consists of: cheese sandwiches and bagels. That's about it. It's ridiculously boring! But every time I find myself at the fridge, I pull out the bread and cheese... I need some variety.

Anyway, it's been so long since I've posted! Or at least I feel like is has been. For the past week I have been live-in house sitting while a family I know is in Big Bear... and today is my first day home. It's so nice to be back in my own room, in my own bed, and able to do whatever I want around the house without having to worry about anything.

I have been doing really well lately :) Like almost too well.. haha. I've been really happy and excited to see what is to come my way in these next few months. I've gotten to the point where no matter where I am- a cafe, a friend's house, walking around somewhere, etc- I always think about how I got there. I always find myself somewhere random but just having fun wherever I am, and thinking to myself that I love my life. God has blessed me tremendously. I love who I am surrounded by, I love who I spend my time with and all the new people that are coming into my life.

All of June I was a ghost. I feel like I was there physically but mentally and emotionally I was just missing it all. I was depressed about losing the only person I have ever loved, and I think that had a great affect of how I am now. I feel like it takes completely shutting down to start up again. After almost 2 months, I feel alive.

Xoxo,
Hill

Coffee House Rat

I guess you can say I live at coffee houses. I spend more time there than I do at home.. and I love it. So naturally, I hop around from place to place... and at one of my stops the other day I ran into Jon. And for the first time in 1 1/2 months, he saw me. He didn't only look at me, but he stared at me. Not a rude stare, but like a surprised "oh...." stare. I just stared at him the same way... and resumed walking into the cafe. When I got to my table, my hands were shaking so much that I threw my keys unintentionally and I could hardly even hit a key on my phone. I thought I was going to throw up the whole time and my eyes overflowed with tears... the whole experience was awful. God only knows how he reacted...

I am different. I don't trust anyone completely. I got asked on a date today and I got mad. My mom told me that there is this Christian guy who lives next door to a family friend who is always helping her with her health problems, that he is "gorgeous," the nicest guy and that I would fall in love with him if I met him... and without even thinking I told her that I didn't want to fall in love with anyone. My walls are up higher than they have ever been. As much as I try not to think about him, memories pop in my head constantly, specifically ones that I have begun to forget. I dream about him almost every night. My brother's friend has been staying with us lately and yesterday, without me even saying anything about it, he told me this:
"I see it, Hill. I see you every morning when you wake up and I look in your eyes and all I see is pain... it sucks that he is capable of doing that to you."

I don't want this anymore. I don't want him to be able to see pain in my eyes. I wish memories couldn't bring out emotions. I wish I didn't miss him. I wish I didn't want him to care.

First day of the second half of 2011. A new start.