keep the love, but let go.

Jon and I talked about this one night on our way home from San Diego, and I was just thinking about it but of course, in a whole new way.

What if I had never moved home from Oregon this past November?

We were talking about where I would be right now in life with a job I was offered at a coffee shop and how I would have been taking classes up there at the college... and he was reassuring me that I would have been fine.. until I looked at him and said, "If I had never moved home, Jon, I wouldnt be here with you. There would be no us." His jaw dropped and he just stared at me for a few seconds.. then shook his head and said, "I cant imagine that. That would be horrible."

This morning I was thinking about if I had never moved home and I was being selfish thinking, "I almost wish I hadnt moved home because then I wouldnt have had my heart broken.."

That thought was absolutely wrong. The truth is, if I had never moved home from Oregon, I wouldnt have found Jon. Jon unknowingly saved my from a very unhappy place in my life just by loving me. And no, it wasnt just that someone loved me, I had my friends for that. It was that Jon loved me. Jon. This amazing, smart, talented, sweet, funny, handsome guy wanted to spend every minute with me and I have never had that before. Ive never known what it was like to have someone that I loved, love me back. Jon taught me to accept love and to appreciate it. He taught me patience and to trust, even though now Im not so sure about the trust part... but I did trust that his feelings for me were real. Everyone around us could see it.

The truth is, Jon showed me a different side of myself that I didnt know was there. He brought out the best in me and made me fall in love with who I am. I couldnt be more thankful for that.

If I could have known what was going to happen after moving home, I still would have done it. The joy I had being with Jon was something I wouldnt have traded the world for. Now I have the memories and I still have the love, but I need to let him go. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but I need to do it. Maybe Jon and I will have each other again in the future, who knows, but I cant think that way. There will always be that hope, but at least I can be thankful for the past 4 months that I got to spend with him.