moving forward

A lot has happened this past week...

Yesterday I was just sitting there on my bed about to start getting ready for the Padres game and all of the sudden I started crying the hardest I have cried since the night Jon broke up with me. I don't know what it was- maybe it was seeing him or just feeling lonely- but it was awful. And then again, all of the sudden, I was fine. I got up out of bed, washed my face, and got ready. Why that hit me so suddenly I have no idea, but it was definitely strange.

About two days ago I was sitting at a park with my cousin and I had an epiphany that made me realize what I really want to do with my life. I had originally wanted to be an art therapist... but it hit me while I was sitting there that I want to study to become a physical therapist for children :) And I am so confident about it, it's amazing.

Also, tomorrow I am going back to Juicy Couture to try and get the job I was offered. I'm so excited :) I don't really buy much from their company and I'm not that much of a girly girl, but it's a good job and I think it could be fun.. so I'm going to go try and get it.

Today I got the chance to talk to my friend Nicole and it really helped me see things differently.. so I decided to move on. To let go of Jon and to move forward with my life. He happened and he was wonderful. I will always look back and smile on the memories that we have together and to be thankful that God sent him to me for that time in my life, but he is gone and I have to be okay with that. I deserve to let him go and to have and enjoy a life of my own. Realizing that I have gotten to this point of officially letting him go and moving on is harder than anything else has been so far... but I am looking forward to what God has in store for me regardless of the walls I have put up.

I don't want to be afraid to love someone other than Jon anymore.. I want to be okay with whatever happens.. and that is what I am working on. To accept anything that happens and to trust God with it.

"God sends us many angels in our life. Some we have to unfortunately let go, but the ones that stay will be the most amazing things in our lives." -an old friend of mine.

Walls

It's been a while since I have updated, so I figured a significant day like today would be a good time. As of today it has been one month since I have seen Jon. It was one month ago today that we broke up, making it the first month of 2011 where Jon and I have not been in each others lives.

As I was running errands the other day, I passed by Jon driving two or three times. It was the first time I had seen his face in a month... and it was very weird seeing him and knowing that he isn't mine anymore. I don't think he saw me, I could just spot his car anywhere because coincidentally he owns the one car I have always wanted...I'm doing okay, I think. It really sucks to say this, but I have changed a lot since we broke up.. not too badly, but enough to recognize that Jon was definitely my inspiration to be good, balanced and focused. I know I have God for that, but we all need our extra support. I got to hang out with my best friend Natalie today for the first time in a very long time and I told her that today makes it one month.. and she completely teared up almost to the point of crying... and she hardly ever cries. So I would say that says a lot.

I have been doing a very good job of not thinking too much about this. I miss Jon, I love him, but I'm learning to let go of him as hard as that is to do. It's been a lot easier being with my best friends every day but I swear there is something about the night that always haunts you with memories. I've woken up a few times at night to find myself crying extremely hard from either not dreaming at all or dreaming about just being with him. I let my walls down with Jon. He knows almost everything there is to know about me and knows every emotion as it crosses my face. But unfortunately now, my walls are back up and higher than ever... even with him.

Aside from that, one of my best friends, Shelby, practically moved in a few weeks ago haha so we have been having a really fun summer. I unfortunately didn't get into the summer class I signed up for, but you know what? Now I have time to myself to relax, work and just enjoy having a real summer. My cousin is visiting from Oregon right now and it is so good to see her. She is 14 and such a good girl! It's so amazing and exciting to see that she hasn't been pressured or influenced to do anything she would regret.



What else... I am so excited to get my next tattoos! I have my next two planned out, and I am still designing the one after those. I'm still trying to find a job and I'm really, really hoping to find one soon. And I'm getting really excited for the Jordan this week! I didn't get to go last week, I miss it.

Well I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer <3

Xoxo,
Hill

little kids at heart.

Last night was one of the funnest nights I have had so far this summer.

After running a few errands in the morning, Shelby and I went to pick up Connor to hang out at the house I am currently house-sitting. We sat around and watched The Lion King while smoking some delicious hookah and afterward we played an amazing few rounds of hide-and-go-seak in the pitch dark! When we ran out of places to hide, we felt like going on an adventure. It was 11:00pm and we went for a walk down to the golf course. While we were walking around we noticed all of the sprinklers on, and golf course sprinklers are pretty ridiculous... so we got this idea to run through them :) Of course, it was really cold out already and we would need some dry clothes to walk home in, so we just ran through in our t-shirts. It was seriously so much fun. The water was warmer than the air, so no harm there. The sprinklers turned off after a while so we walked back to the house and made some delicious hot cocoa. While Shelby was in the shower, Connor and I got the best idea to make breakfast! So we made toast and hashbrowns.. at 2:30 in the morning. Best idea ever. When Shel got out of the shower, we all cuddled up on the couch and watched some cartoons, jammed to some Shakira, and then watched Peter Pan. We felt like such little kids.. it was so great. By the time Peter Pan was over, it was about 4:00 in the morning and we just layed on the couch and chatted. Connor gave me the best scalp massage while Shelby played the drawing game on my back... hehe! At 5:00 Connor and I moved to the living room and layed on the comfier couches and ended up passing out there. Shel came in a bit later and we all woke up once at 9:00am, and then again at 11:00am and cleaned the house to get ready to leave.
After we dropped off Connor, Shelby and I went to Denny's for some breakfast.. so good!! Then we went to Vinaka for iced tea and ran into a couple friends, and afterward we headed back to the house to watch more Disney movies with our friend Evan.

These last few days have been so much fun and have really helped me to keep my mind off of Jon. Of course, I am always missing him more than ever, but its nice once in a while to be distracted from it.
I got in the mood to clean the house spotless today, so I put my hair up and caught a glimpse of my tattoo... I couldnt help but think about Jon and those two days we spent entirely together. How my tattoo is his design and how we are both down for life through this art. I miss him so much and I hate that he couldnt have stayed the night with Shelby, Connor and I last night. I wish he could be mine this summer, but thats not the case.. and it kills me. I miss him and I love him so much.. Letting go is not as easy as it sounds.

all i want is to see your face. i miss you so much.

Today was a surprisingly wonderful day for me. Shelby stayed over at my house last night and this morning we felt like we looked really cute so we wanted to go out :P
Of course, we headed first to Vinaka and then to Spin Records to find a poster for my incredibly blank walls in my bedroom... and we ended up buying an $8 Lou Reed poster :) We are both ridiculously broke right now, so we are trying not to spend much money these days. Even though we are always going out, we dont usually spend much.. maybe $1.50 here and there for tea, but that's it. So today, we were really hungry but had no food at the house and no money in our wallets to spend on lunch... so we took advantage of my parents' jobs and drove up to San Clemente for some free lunch at Beachfire! When we finished eating, we walked around the town and went into some boutiques to torture ourselves looking at the clothes we cant afford. After enough torture we walked down to the pier. This is where "surprisingly wonderful" comes in.
The last time I went to the San Clemente pier was when I was with Jon. We had the day to ourselves so we started out with lunch at Beachfire where Jon got to meet my dad for the first official time. After lunch, we did the same thing: went down to the pier. It was the most beautiful day and we had no limit on time.. so we walked slowly down the pier and talked. I remember getting to the end of the pier and Jon went to the rail to look down at the water. I walked over to another rail and was reading a little info card on something about the pier I think, and when I turned around to look at Jon, he was just standing there watching me with a smile on his face. I had never had someone look at me like that, just as if he just adored every move that I made. When we walked back down the pier, people looked at us and smiled. You know how us girls will see a cute couple walk by and maybe we smile to ourselves thinking that they look so cute together? That's how people were looking at us, they could tell we were happy.
This memory with Jon took over my mind today, as well as others with him. All the times this would happen when I would turn around and he would just be smiling or adoring me just being myself. It made me think of how I would look at him the same way when I would watch him play guitar, or any instrument for that matter, or when he would play with his niece and nephew or just anything that he would do. It made me think of the day that I knew that I was in love with him when he took me to Guitar Center and I got to see him in his element for the first time, surrounded by music; by his passion... I thought of the last time I got to spend the entire day with Jon when we went to LA for his show at the Roxy. On our way home, we were all so tired and Natalie and Levy fell alseep in the back. I tried to stay awake to keep Jon company but I was just too tired and fell asleep... I remember waking up and forgetting where I was and looking over to see Jon driving, how he looked back at me and smiled. That was the most content I have ever been; waking up with Jon right next to me, regardless of the fact that we were just driving in the car.
All of these memories flooded my mind, but the weird thing is that I never got sad. I was absolutely thrilled to be remembering everything. Of course, I would have Shelby's commentary when I decided to share one or two things that I was thinking and it would help me not to be sad about it, but that was still the first time that I had memories flood my mind and I didn't cry.

I truly miss Jon so much. Even if this isn't the smartest thing to do, it's still helping the pain of losing him go away: remembering the complete joy I felt every time I was with him no matter what we were doing and remembering how loved I felt every day. It makes me feel as if I haven't lost him; like I can go on facebook right now and talk to him on chat, but I obviously refrain from doing so. I know that I can't see him, it's difficult enough knowing that I could see him walk by at any moment because we are usually hanging out around the same places. I get anxious anywhere that I go thinking that he could be there and its hard for me to deal with. Indie Jam was impossible the other night; everyone that walked by was Jon to me. Just knowing that he was somewhere in the crowd was so overwhelming that I had to leave before seeing any of the bands play. I don't know how this is possible, but it's the memories that I have with Jon that are helping the most. Thinking of what we are now and how I can't see or talk to him (not because he doesnt want to, but because I'm just not ready for that yet) kills me.

Memories are what keep me going... they are all I have right now and I'm going to take advantage of that. I want him back, but I need to be patient with God and trust that He will take care of me and bring Jon back when and if he was meant to be back in my life.

You're my best friend

I'ts a good thing to write about your memories with someone, I think.

So it's 11:00am and Shelby and I are getting ready to go to Encinitas for the day. Of course, we always blast music while we're getting ready, so we put iTunes on shuffle and "You're my best friend" by Queen came on and reminded me of such a funny memory with Jon.

I had to write an essay for my Art History class on any painting in the gallery on campus, so I called Jon and asked him if he wanted to come be a nerd with me and stare at and analyze paintings. I was making lunch when I called him but he wanted to see me as soon as possible, so we met at Teri Cafe to drive over right then. After staring at the paintings for a good hour and deciding which to write about, he wanted to take me to lunch, so we drove over to Daphne's. On our way, Queen came on the radio and he turned the volume up and this was our conversation:
"Who is this singing?" -Jon, smiling.
"...I can't think on the spot!" -me
"Dude.... you're my best friend!" -Jon
"Aww... babe you're my best friend too!" -me
"Haha, well it's true. You are my best friend, but I meant that's the title of the song." -Jon

I couln't help but laugh, and even know I can't stop laughing.
After Daphne's he wanted me to try his favorite smoothie from Jamba Juice, the Matcha Green Tea smoothie. When I tried my first sip, my real reaction was "OH MY GOD! This is freaking amazing!!!" He thought I was faking it... no.. it really was amazing. And I now get it every time.

Don't let go of memories that make you smile, friends :)

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles.."

God knows that we are going to have times of suffering and heartache. He knows that there are times in our lives that aren't going to be easy, but He is there and is our comfort; His heart is heavy for us in these times. He wants to be that best friend you call when you need someone to comfort you.

I am learning to let go of Jon. Because I love him, I can do this. Sure it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, and it already is, but that's why I have God. I have God to reside in and to take comfort in.

keep the love, but let go.

Jon and I talked about this one night on our way home from San Diego, and I was just thinking about it but of course, in a whole new way.

What if I had never moved home from Oregon this past November?

We were talking about where I would be right now in life with a job I was offered at a coffee shop and how I would have been taking classes up there at the college... and he was reassuring me that I would have been fine.. until I looked at him and said, "If I had never moved home, Jon, I wouldnt be here with you. There would be no us." His jaw dropped and he just stared at me for a few seconds.. then shook his head and said, "I cant imagine that. That would be horrible."

This morning I was thinking about if I had never moved home and I was being selfish thinking, "I almost wish I hadnt moved home because then I wouldnt have had my heart broken.."

That thought was absolutely wrong. The truth is, if I had never moved home from Oregon, I wouldnt have found Jon. Jon unknowingly saved my from a very unhappy place in my life just by loving me. And no, it wasnt just that someone loved me, I had my friends for that. It was that Jon loved me. Jon. This amazing, smart, talented, sweet, funny, handsome guy wanted to spend every minute with me and I have never had that before. Ive never known what it was like to have someone that I loved, love me back. Jon taught me to accept love and to appreciate it. He taught me patience and to trust, even though now Im not so sure about the trust part... but I did trust that his feelings for me were real. Everyone around us could see it.

The truth is, Jon showed me a different side of myself that I didnt know was there. He brought out the best in me and made me fall in love with who I am. I couldnt be more thankful for that.

If I could have known what was going to happen after moving home, I still would have done it. The joy I had being with Jon was something I wouldnt have traded the world for. Now I have the memories and I still have the love, but I need to let him go. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but I need to do it. Maybe Jon and I will have each other again in the future, who knows, but I cant think that way. There will always be that hope, but at least I can be thankful for the past 4 months that I got to spend with him.

the part of life that i have always tried to avoid..... pain.

I just miss him. That's it. I really can't believe that I've lost him.

I love Jon with everything I have and my feelings for him aren't going to change, but I've learned that all I can do now is love him and pray for him.

This is a point in my life where I learn to trust God with my everything and believe that His plans are so much more brilliant than mine and that He will take care of me. Jon is the most amazing person than I have ever known and the memories I have with him keep consuming my mind. Like I've said... I didn't know it was possible to love and miss someone so much.

I have to focus on myself right now and live my life for me, but it's so hard to do when everything before was Jon.

I suppose, if you're reading this, please pray for me. I think I'm okay at times and then emptiness just hits me like a bag of bricks.