I guess you can say I live at coffee houses. I spend more time there than I do at home.. and I love it. So naturally, I hop around from place to place... and at one of my stops the other day I ran into Jon. And for the first time in 1 1/2 months, he saw me. He didn't only look at me, but he stared at me. Not a rude stare, but like a surprised "oh...." stare. I just stared at him the same way... and resumed walking into the cafe. When I got to my table, my hands were shaking so much that I threw my keys unintentionally and I could hardly even hit a key on my phone. I thought I was going to throw up the whole time and my eyes overflowed with tears... the whole experience was awful. God only knows how he reacted...
I am different. I don't trust anyone completely. I got asked on a date today and I got mad. My mom told me that there is this Christian guy who lives next door to a family friend who is always helping her with her health problems, that he is "gorgeous," the nicest guy and that I would fall in love with him if I met him... and without even thinking I told her that I didn't want to fall in love with anyone. My walls are up higher than they have ever been. As much as I try not to think about him, memories pop in my head constantly, specifically ones that I have begun to forget. I dream about him almost every night. My brother's friend has been staying with us lately and yesterday, without me even saying anything about it, he told me this:
"I see it, Hill. I see you every morning when you wake up and I look in your eyes and all I see is pain... it sucks that he is capable of doing that to you."
I don't want this anymore. I don't want him to be able to see pain in my eyes. I wish memories couldn't bring out emotions. I wish I didn't miss him. I wish I didn't want him to care.
No comments:
Post a Comment