anticipation

This anticipation is killing me. I'm supposed to talk to Jon today in person about what is going on right now... but with his phone constantly acting up, I don't know when I'll hear from him.

But here is something that I am happy about, something that has given me a glimmer of hope. Jon and I are good together, and everyone around us can see it.

I went to Jon's best friend Connor's house yesterday to let him know what was going on and to get his opinion on things since he really knows Jon better than anyone. When I told him what happened, his first reaction was, "No... you guys are good for each other. There is no way something this small could get in the way of you two. Jon is happy with you, he's better with you. You are his angel, Hill. There is no way this is over. You guys need to talk and you need to open up to him. Tell him everything you are telling me now because I know Jon and what you are telling me is only going to bring you guys closer together."
We talked for a good 45 minutes or so and he was just so sure that things are going to work out.. which gave me so much hope that he was right.

Jon's main concern right now is that he wants me to be his first priority. He wants to put me before everything else in his life, but with everything kind of going crazy right now, he feels like he is putting me on the back burner and its not fair to me. What he needs to know is that him just thinking that I need to be his first priority is enough, but the reality is that I don't want to be his first priority. If we lived in a perfect and easy world, then yes, I would love to be at the top of the list. But we don't, we live in a world that makes things difficult. So realistically I can't be his first priority.. he should have other priorities, it's good for him. But what he needs to realize is that I would rather be at the bottom of his list than not on his list at all. I'm not high maintenance, so when we are together I don't care if we go out to lunch or coffee, or if we sit on his couch for a few hours doing nothing. I wouldn't care if we sat on his couch or in his room while he was doing homework or studying, it's just the fact that we are together that matters to me.

This is hurting both of us, so why put each other through it when the answer is actually pretty simple? We just need to be together. Not physically, just knowing that we have each other. For the last month, we have only been seeing each other once or twice a week, but the time we spend together makes up for the time we were apart.

When I saw him at work yesterday, we were both distraught. We were both miserable and the term "speechless" actually struck me straight in the face, I couldn't open my mouth to say one word, all I could do was look at him while he tried to get some words out.. Now that I have had time to think about everything, I know what I need to tell him. Pretty much everything that I've written here but just with a few extra things added.. I don't care how cheesy this sounds, but life makes sense with Jon. I feel alive with him.. We are so young and I think that this kind of thing is rare for people our age.. so why just give up on it because its not exactly easy anymore? Nothing is easy, life is hard.. but we should be doing this together. Life is easier for both of us just having each other, so why give up? There is no reason. Yeah, its scary, but it's worth it. Jon is worth it.


If you are reading this, please pray for me and please pray for Jon. I think that we deserve each other. We need to see each other.. it just feels like today is going by so slow and the anticipation is creeping up on me.